The Magic of Ashtanga Yoga

A few years ago ‘Girls Can Blog’ wrote a fascinating article ‘Why I broke up with Ashtanga’… It’s honest, emotional and raw. img_5865 The other day I saw it posted again on a social media page for a person I know who apparently has broken up with ashtanga too. This provoked a bout of introspection for me.  (Also worthy of note that anytime any of us has broken up with anyone or anything there’s a period of utter contempt and dissatisfaction that was necessary to create the break.)  It is a rare trait indeed for a person to say simply ‘this no longer serves me, although it once did, and I am moving in a new direction, with love.’   Instead we often rage at the situation, often creating regrettable circumstances, only later becoming peaceful and compassionate with our own evolution.

The referenced article is located here: Why I stopped Practicing Ashtanga

The post begins with a simple introduction related to the author’s dedication to yoga, ashtanga specifically, to having been through a teacher training, marrying a male yogi and to being vegetarian then vegan.  It’s the quintessential checklist for ‘things a yoga student might do’.   And a lot of it, if it being done for reasons other than ‘this is sustainable and healthy for me’ is basically neither.

The author’s first subject heading states that specifically Ashtanga Yoga is a relationship outside of your relationship, designed to be a distraction from, presumably, interpersonal issues one might be avoiding.  However my first heading would be:

Ashtanga Yoga is a Quiet, Internal Practice, which uses a series of foci to help the student become an observer of the inner state… 

A nice illustration of Patthabi Jois method, thanks to Boonchu

The Mysore method is decidedly different than some other methods which I feel are more externally focused.  Those may have trendy playlists, a charismatic teacher giving oratory, a teacher calling poses and cues, but do share the movement to the breath, the sense of shared energy and community.  The Mysore method allows the student to take responsibility for learning the sequence, asana, count and dristi… so that the practice becomes the teacher and the teacher teaches the practice.  Most of us who regularly practice have experienced that the sensations we experience on the mat are very often strong indicators for how we show up in life, especially as it relates to how we show up in increasingly challenging situations.  Part of the magic that occurs is we begin to nurture ‘the observer’ within us.  We start to simply observe the sensations as we learn to not be bullied by them.  Overall there is a calming, and a developing sense of compassion that extends beyond the mat.  I think for me, if it was not this way, I wouldn’t be coming back.  There was a time I loved a variety of lead classes, and where I really connected to the chosen lesson a teacher might be weaving in, but ultimately I find the voice inside to be the one that is most compelling.

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My teacher Marsha, owner of Balance Yoga Atlanta

( I need to add that I find attending my teacher’s weekly lead primary to be critically important in my learning to pace my breathing in a way that helps me bring better tempo to my Mysore practice)

In the next three sections the author discusses how many days a week one exercises, how to handle injuries, and anorexia.

Coming from a sports background I can say first hand that the level of intensity and energy a person expends on exercise are both highly individualized and extremely baffling. A fun day for me in summer in college consisted of riding my bike to play soccer, running 3 miles between games, swimming a mile, then hopefully hooking up with friends for some water skiing.  And it was fairly common for me for many years to run, then do any other activity.  Hours and hours per day.  I enjoyed this level of activity.  My point is that Ashtanga is recommended to be practiced 22 out of 28 days (One rest day per week, and one moon day every other week.  Less for ladies holiday).  However I have heard several qualified teachers advise their students to listen to their own bodies.  I would add ‘check your motives’ as to why you practice less or more.

I have certainly had injuries.  In everything I have ever done.  In fact it was a series of painful running injuries that initiated my  movement into yoga, which I misunderstood to be radical stretching.

Usually injuries are attributable to violating one of the following:  Did I go too far, too fast, too soon?  Or the other — did I go for ‘one more’ after knowing I was already tired?  I have found the same rule applies no matter what.  However, recently I developed a muscle spasm at work.  The type that takes your breath away.  I showed up for practice, and my teacher worked with me closely to help me experience what  felt therapeutic, and what did not.  I also saw a masseuse, and a chiropractor twice.  My practice was very limited, and we discovered I needed some additional stretching in another area, so we incorporated some new poses into my daily practice. Slow, thoughtful, compassionate, deliberate yoga therapy.  I healed up without exacerbating my injury, and learned a new benefit to the daily practice and deeper meaning to the idea of ahimsa and how we practice.

With respect to anorexia, it is a disease, very similar to addiction, and requires outside intervention.  I suppose the author may have been referencing the solar aspect to the practice, and people other than me have lost weight, but I have not.  There are times I sincerely wish this would kick in.  On the other hand, I genuinely feel for all my fellow souls suffering from active addictions — and am here to both assist and hold space as they come to terms with and then are released from the disease. (See ‘outside issues’… below)  Once a person has had adequate treatment, then there are amazing benefits from practice, and truly innovative programs like Taylor Hunt’s Trini Foundation which can boost recovery rates substantially.

Next, the author takes on some of my favorite subjects! Chakra balancing, the rabbit hole of ashtanga, about living in isolation, and my favorite kindness to self.

With respect to chakra balancing — it really doesn’t matter whether you’re a believer in the subtle body, the nadis, the meridian system… If it exists, it will exist without your approval.  Yet, in all my studies, increasingly there is merit for their existence.  And with respect to chakras, I have heard it said, and I utilize this philosophy:  One can bring balance to the chakras simply by bringing one’s attention to them.  Additionally, if one is so inclined, one can use sound, or light, too.  So really, the idea of signing and chanting does have the necessary intention to help restore the subtle energy body to balance.

Not living in isolation.  Part of a community; Sangha

I suppose the rabbit hole of ashtanga is a thing, it’s just not a thing I have ever heard of.  So I will leave that alone.
With respect to living in isolation, I have to say one’s level of isolation is a choice, hopefully based upon their needs.  Personally, I am an introvert, but have training to take care of people, and so have developed skills as an extrovert, yet it is not my nature.  My Meyers – Briggs is INFP, but I can also test as an ENFP.  I prefer a calm comfortable home life.  I prefer anything over the mall.  I don’t like traffic. I do love a festival, however, and live music. In my work life I literally spend ALL DAY connecting with and engaging with people and trying to give them

Get out and have fun.  Carry the message that your practice makes you happier and a better person.  Unless it doesn’t in which case I challenge you to find something which does.

direct hands on care, which is quite draining.  I look forward to finding the pathway to myself each day as I take practice.  And, in contrast from running, where I often looked forward to getting outside my head space, I have found immensely therapeutic value in actually listening and observing the thinking as I move through the series.

If you have an outside issue, seek outside help.

A million times: YES.  Although there are cases I am sure where the practice of yoga leads to epiphany and miraculous transformation, if a person is suffering from a serious problem and expecting a quick cure, I am going to have to say – use your yoga practice as an adjunct, to give you space and time to grow as you navigate issues like addiction, eating disorders, PTSD, and relationship / social disorders.  There are so many useful healing modalities these days.  Make use of them.

 

I recently read an article in which the author proposed NO ONE participate in seated meditation because a) he had been using it to avoid dealing with a relationship issue for 9 years, and the b) his teacher suggested the physical practice was a meditation.  As an independent and intuitive person, I took my red flag and began to ask others about this.  My conclusion was this:  Never in the history of humankind has a person become a worse person by engaging in peaceful seated meditation.  Not only that, even Patanjali states one of the reasons FOR yoga practice is to prepare the student FOR meditation.  So, just because YOU have a relationship issue and used your meditative practice to AVOID doing your inner work, it’s not okay for you to put your trauma on me.  Boundary set.

The next section was about the method of getting a certification.  

If a student becomes proficient at the primary and

That’s Sharath calling a primary in Miami, and my green, sweaty shirt. He is a really nice man.

intermediate series and wants the KPJAYI credentials – the process isn’t terrible.  You need a letter of recommendation from an authorized teacher, and then need to spend a month with Sharath.  It may take a couple trips and a couple of years.

On the other hand, Manju Jois, Pattabhi actual son offers teacher trainings, as does Tim Miller (the FIRST authorized teacher) and so does David Swenson.  You can study with Richard Freeman, David Williams, the list goes on and on.  There are many paths and not all are KPJAYI.  You get to choose.

It’s really not that complicated.  If you want a certificate, go get a teacher training.

In addition to a regular practice with my teacher, Marsha, I am developing the habit of spending 4 weeks a year with Tim Miller.  I recently completed his primary series teacher training.

Practice ashtanga IF it calls to you.  Then go see a life time teacher who offers trainings.  The thing about ashtanga is it takes you years to learn to teach it well — be humble enough to be the student.  Take your time, ‘Why Hurrying?’… Oh I know, it’s America.  We go too far, too fast, too soon, and wanna make bank.  If you want to go to Mysore every year and study with Sharath, then do that.  You have choices.  You’re not a slave to anything.  Be your own damn self.

Regarding the Arbitrary Nature of the evolution of tradition…

It’s now called KPJAYI not the original Ashtanga Yoga Research Institute. Notably absent is the term research.  It seems Pattabhi was a bit of a tinkerer.

In fact, Encinitas yogis are the reason that the revolved positions of triangle and extended side angle are in the primary.  How about that lift up after utkatasana?  Yeah that was put in there the day before they filmed the original video.   The joke was that Pattabhi would change things based on what felt right  but then never admit he’d changed anything — he was actually doing research, and making changes based upon what seemed best for the most.  It’s possible with the many people who now go to Mysore that it is necessary to stick to the script of primary, intermediate, third and fourth (which used to be advanced A and B).

Once you have established a relationship with your teacher, then you together can cater a practice that is more specific to you, your body, your needs and your abilities.

As far as teaching yoga being a profession… 

I don’t really know what to say.  I know few artists or musicians who went into it for the money and then made big money.  What even is that?  A career in yoga will be one that’s rich in experiential living, filled with devotion, a loving community, and maybe, just maybe the kind of financial prosperity embodied by Lakshmi, which is one of abundance, but never wretched excess.  If a yoga teacher is not coming from a place of love, perhaps it’s best not to trust them when you’re in a vulnerable place, like a yoga practice.

I say, follow your bliss.  And if you do follow your bliss, you fill find open doorways where previously none existed (paraphrasing Joseph Campbell).

Lastly, it’s okay to break up with anyone, anytime.  Ultimately the reason is ‘because I want to’.  Let’s allow others to evolve to grow, to change and to change their minds based upon increased knowledge and awareness.  Let’s bring relief to the suffering and compassion to all.  And let’s include ourselves in that.

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Signs You May Be In A Period of Ascension.

I recall discovering this list in 2012, written by Soul Guidance, and suddenly having the “Viola”, “Eureka” moment of epiphany…I have inserted my own observations contained within the context in green.

Ascension Symptoms

1. Abrupt loss of interest in the people and things that held your interest before.

IMG_1571When we speak of self-love, or of being intuitive, or of gaining clarity — this is a key to allowing ourselves to be moved by Spirit into Grace.  Those we have known will react… Either with love, support and compassion or with indignance, anger, or bullying.  I have to add here as well an ABRUPT interest in NEW friends, too.  During this process I have lost old friends, been viewed as a weirdo… and the funny thing is, none of that matters when I am coming from my higher heart.  I am met with a sense of inner purposefulness I wouldn’t trade.  I am also aware of the impact this may have on others, and so I am quick to use the ho’oponopono, as well as the cosmic orbit to bring me into the state of higher consciousness where healing can occur.  

2. You simply cannot do that job any longer, or tolerate that person any more. Done.
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There’s a feeling, you will know it… a pull in a new direction.  You’ll know it because your heart sings, your face smiles, or it could also be the feeling of “I just can’t anymore” or even “it’s not about the money”.  In cases like these, it is EGO, posing as rational thought, logic and intellect that will show up as parental sounding voices which will tell us ‘that’s not logical!  you have a perfectly good career!’ When you close your eyes, and think of things, what makes you smile?  Go there.

3. Strange wanderlust or urge to relocate.  You may just * know * where you need to be.

IMG_1546This one is really quite amazing!  I have an image that comes across my timeline and rings like bell each time, and sets me onto another adventure.  Luckily, for me, this came as a BOOM epiphany when a bunch of friends INSISTED I take a road trip hiking in Yellowstone and Grand Teton National Park late one May.  Up until then for many years I was unable to do anything other than a few days off, always with family.  This trip re-awakened me to my deeper sense of a need to be looking for places and experiences that sing to my soul, and of being unafraid when that tuning fork goes off.  It is true as well, what they wrote that you may just *know* where you need to be.  I also ‘suffer’ from knowing where I am to be ‘for now’ even though I know something else is in the works, and I have to practice the inner art of allowing.

4. Inner need to simplify life. “Why the heck am I carrying around this much junk? I don’t even remember why I wanted them.” is a common sentiment. Declutter and donate your stuff to Goodwill. You may also get the urge to detox your own body.

IMG_7672There’s little to explain here, but I will try anyway.  If you sense clutter…in my experience… things start to feel like rubber bands.
Heavy rubber bands.  Even artwork.  Paintings I saw, fell in love with and had to have… they begin to look like things.  I have had to develop a somewhat ruthless attitude about disposing of items.  Catharsis. I was shocked when this call came, and as I threw things away I felt free.  And as I tried to give these cherished items away, no one wanted them.  My own sentimentality was another way of dodging spiritual growth.  In fact, I had ostensibly created a sort of comfortable prison.  With them went away my one time desire for a big fancy home, a library, etc…  Then next came a desire to start nourishing myself differently.  While I am not yet a vegetarian or vegan, I ALWAYS feel dead after consuming animal protein.  (I wish that change could’ve been the BOOM type epiphany) I sense the need to shift into this, but my mind is still running me.  

5. Sudden change in food preference.
IMG_9965As I mentioned above, this awareness came after ‘cleaning house’… And has intensified with my practice of Ashtanga Yoga.  In fact, not only have I become aware of how clean food effects prana, clarity and spiritual experience, I have been able to witness it over and over again in others.  I was given direct awareness to assist in the ascension of others by co-creating Adore — interestingly this is still my daily struggle – where old habits meet new desires… where old attachments run into clear cut evidence of a positive outcome from change… but it’s still my struggle.  With Adore, I end up being far more empowered, more often.

6. Sudden change in the taste to dress and decorate.

IMG_0762This is actually quite funny to me.  It sort of just happened.   Living in Florida for many years and being a runner and cyclist and outdoors enthusiast I had a tendency to dress to sweat, and then wore scrubs at work.  Even dress up time was casual in south Florida.  In Atlanta I soon learned that there’s a sort of dress code for men.  If you’re out of shape, you dress really lumpy, frumpy, almost slob-like… if you’re in shape, is all fitted clothes, even the jeans… As I began to move more into ascension, it corresponded with my yoga practice.  And I am here to tell you this — Yoga clothes not only fit well, they are super comfy.  I won’t even get into how my taste in interior design has changed == let’s just say it’s completely changed.  For instance on the far left is my Christmas tree, of sorts, complete with a variety of religious experiences from around the world.  And from #4 above that picture is of my clothing taste and , and what my ‘dining room’ looks like – a yoga room.

7. Some people report having a sudden “spiritual awakening,” accompanied with the feeling of clarity and empowerment.IMG_1450

Yes, I would say I am more aware on a daily basis of the presence of spirit and the voice of the God source.  And listening to this has taken me into some really amazing new places.  Probably the most startling 2 epiphanies led to my teaching at and attendingIntuitive Mastery Certificationin Sedona in November
and the other was getting back in touch with and subsequently choosing to work with a
practice management group I worked with for my practice in Florida.  During Intuitive Mastery, I was given the gift of ‘Being deliberately intuitive’, a concept that came as a real ‘spiritual awakening’.  

8. Feeling spacy and detached from the rest of the world.

a ha ha OMG that’s hilarious.  I even have an expression I use for this.  I call it ‘glazing over’… I prefer the japanese term ‘Boketto’ which is a more physical practice of gazing off and not thinking about anything.  I have always attributed my need to space out and detach to being 2 things: first an HSP (The Highly Sensitive Person) and second an empath.  Connection can feel exhausting and overwhelming.  Plus, when people say they are great, or fine and I already know they’re not, it feels like deceit.  I attribute much of my use of mood altering substances as a youth to misunderstanding this, and my relationship with food is connected to this as well.

 

9. Getting harder and harder to follow conventional thinking.
“What the heck do I care (to keep up with the Jones, to stay in the status, to be organized and considerate, etc.)”

IMG_1413I run into this continuously.  First I lost interest in news on TV.  Then I lost interest in sports on TV.  Then TV.  The I lost interest in Twitter.  I have lost interest in borders, political infighting, and Facebook itself gives me ample opportunity to introspect — what things that I read there feel ‘off’?  Why?  What dogma am I holding onto?  Can I promote health and healing?  How can I mentor my own children to tune into their own life’s purpose, while also not sparing them of life’s experiences?  What about homes, commuting, pollution… Who are my tribe?  How can I help to melt barriers, and bring more peace and brotherhood to this beautiful blue planet?  Who are my teachers, and what are they teaching?  Am I courageous enough to follow my own inner voice?  Am I allowing myself to engage the Hero’s Journey cycle?  Can I follow my bliss?  

10. Absolute need to rest and relax.

The advent of feeling a deep connection to the practice of Ashtanga Yoga has allowed me to give myself the chance to rest and relax.  In my immediate current past life, I once realized I was often alone.  A friend pointed out to me ‘We try to invite you to come hang out with us, but you’re always so busy’.  And she was right.  I had list upon list of things to do, places to go, people to see, miles to run.  Now it’s pretty simple.  Yoga, rest, connect with those I love, work, spend time connecting to source.

IMG_038111. Feeling younger or childlike.  In fact, your friends may notice you look younger.

I recently had someone ask me what I am doing to get younger.  And the only thing I could think was I am young at heart.  I love to jump around and play…try new things… and the sun… there was point in my “career” where I felt 20 years older than my years.  But after a series of epiphanies, within 4 years I felt 20 years younger than my age.  Also: LAUGH and go to concerts.  Wear silly clothes and costumes.

 

IMG_013112. Urge to do what you like to do.  Again, like a small kid. Being in the joy becomes increasingly important to you, replacing other priorities.

One of the more profound epiphanies was handed to me by my friend Frederick who said, and I paraphrase, “Why don’t you just do what you would’ve done had this not happened?”  And so began a wild adventure — travel, retreats, festivals, truly the beginning of a journey into respecting what I love… 

13. Change in sexual drive.

Certainly there’s a great deal more discernment and desire.  As I have felt increasingly on soul’s purpose I have also felt increasing intimacy, and knowing when something is not something I can happily continue with.  I have also gained clarity in that intimate relationships in order to be as sustainable as is possible, must be mutual and organic.  There’s just no other way.  Turns a little  boom~boom into ‘a divine alignment of each chakra and the blessed union of souls’


14. Change in sleep patterns.  
Sometimes you wake up at 3 or 4 am every night, sometimes you sleep 10 hours or take a long nap.IMG_0083

Boy is that true.

15. Physical symptoms such as ringing in the ear, change in vision (sometimes daily), or strange itching and twitching around the body.

We really covered this at great length in the Intuitive Mastery course.  There are many ways spirit gets our attention.  Clairvoyance, clairsentience, clairaudience… and more.  Plus Angel numbers, lyrics, ‘coincidences’… Once we wake up to this the list just gets longer and longer.  One close friend gets ‘chills’ as a confirmation of spiritually on purpose.


16. And some report switching back and forth between the new way and the old way. Well, this can happen if you don’t allow yourself to be in the new way.

IMG_1435_2I want to say yes, you can ‘sort of’ be back and forth… but it’s not the same as before.  It’s go back a little and feel awkward, resistant, off purpose, even a little beat up or sad… then start moving in the intended direction again and lighten and elevate… it’s like waking up stairs that appear via faith under foot, and start disappearing below.  There’s a saying, too, that I feel is appropriate here ‘Some people aspire to a life of spirit, but for others, spirit grabs you’… I have known more than a few who said “hey, I don’t want this awareness”… and try to fight it.  That’s ultimately not going to work.  Surrender is the surest way to victory.  Dogma and attachment are the surest form of suffering.  Ignorance and resistance leads to chaos.  And it’s hard enough because chaos exists without our adding to it.  And by the way,”Pizza, you are NOT my bae.”

Each person’s sensitivity is different. These are not temporary symptoms, with Ascension soul shift, this is going to be your new way, so you are best to embrace the changes. With Ascension soul shift, your existing soul crosses over without the physical death, and you receive a new version of soul, so it’s a way of being born again. What is great is we retain the body and the knowledge we have accumulated. You are the same person, yet you are new. So the best way to go around is to embrace the new you rather than resisting it. So where are we headed to? Becoming a lightbody and achieving immortality is one possibility. Remembering the various psychic / supernatural / extrasensory abilities we possess is another. Together, we are creating the New World, or the new version of heaven on Earth.

The way to ascend, then, is:
To be open to this change, the shift of ages, the Ascension.  ALLOWING
To increase the vibration by aligning more with Divine Love, Light, Truth, Abundance and Power. ENTER THETA
To embrace the changes including Ascension soul shift. KNOW AND BE INTENTIONALLY INTUITIVE
To live in the Now.  LET GO OF THE THEN

Ascension happens in the Now, not in the future. Or more accurately, Ascension is about breaking the illusion of time. Ascension is a natural process, and you will be guided to do what you need to do. In a sense, you don’t have to try to ascend at all.
xxxx

Soul Guidance (Each One & Teach One)”

As we begin to live in this solution, we begin to feel more on purpose when we are on purpose, and we also will face things that look and feel like challenges — this is when we really need others around us to assist us in staying awake, to help us come back to truth, and also to use any tools that might assist us in making the path to the higher heart and higher self easier to access, because it is always there.

As Yoda said,”There is no try, there is only do” or something like that, I am not sure because I sort of lost interest in movies too.

Love
bk

raising awareness of ‘lightness’

      Warning: This post is going to be very stream of conscience

 

 

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“Heaviness” has always been a part of who I am as an athlete and as a student.

Heaviness is an approach that developed, I believe, out of necessity, although I am immediately aware of the limiting belief of what I just wrote… to get things done the best way I could using what I had at the time — and that I now think of in terms of hitting things HARD… Using force… making an impact… even struggling, but persevering.  I’ve heard it referred to as ‘grinding’, powering through, muscling… There’s no implication of faith or of lightness of being or floating…

That approach helped me to achieve quite a bit in life. In fact by many I am deemed a success. See my desire, visualize the outcome, and use drive and determination to make it happen.

Digression: Beginning about 25 years ago, I began to become acquainted with the idea that letting go, having faith and trust, and not just always ‘applying myself’ can bring about miraculous change…

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Yes I said 25 years ago. I am a slow learner. Slow but when I learn something, generally I really get it.  In yoga I jokingly refer to my asana practice changing by ‘microns’, joyfully.  This contrasts with my many years of running and racing — keeping stats (distance, pace, feeling, weather…) and frequent disappointments over now always attaining a personal best.

So here is where I am at 2+ years into a fairly dedicated yoga routine… ” Instead of struggling and straining in poses (as we may do in life with the stage-play), try to find ease and comfort. Struggle builds tension and tension creates closure and blockage. We become stuck. So we must try and lighten!” (Taken from this beautifully written article: Lightness and Yoga )

Nowhere in my practice do I notice this more than in inversions like handstand and forearm balance.  Calmness is the key to lightness for me here.  This is why I do those each day. I check in with my ability to breath calmly and deeply.

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It has only been through persistent and sincere practice that I am beginning to sense this: “This can be done by finding the pose and easing into it, not bashing and crashing into it! Lift the burden of the pose and transform it upwards. This is really the key: an upward movement! Try to bring the pose from a sinking mode into a balance between ground and sky, between root and lightness. Then you will find that the body begins to feel light and open.” (Taken from the same article)

As I stated in the beginning… I have lived a lot of my life as a basher and crasher, and so, what I have felt persistently in my practice is a sense of sinking.  Recently my instructor stated “some of your postures look heavy”… and he then watched me in a series of inversions… after which he wanted to know “How did I feel”… The truth was, the power of being at a balance point feels scary to me.  And so, ‘I hold back…’ and ‘do what I need to do to get my weight back on the ground’…

I see other yogis practice, and I love the way so many float… so many move through space without momentum… just literally defying gravity – from the look of it, and I think of how I practice, and have been intrigued because the method I have been employing might not get me there, ever.  But… and this is the good part… the way I practice brought me to the awareness, once again, that I have developed mechanisms for living that once worked, but that now need to be edited, or let go of.

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I hope my experience and observation reaches some of you — and if so then this sharing has been worth writing.  If you see me bashing and crashing, come talk to me, and if I see you I’ll remind you as well.

My progress is measured in sustainability, in microns, and in gradually becoming less addicted to gravity.

Changing Directions

1796682_10151925088832011_279666958_nI have been writing for a while on the subject of how love doesn’t actually die.  I have been writing about how love lost triggers grieving, and how the grieving process transmutes the essential energy of love into another form of essential energy…through the process of emotional and spiritual sublimation.  The love never dies, just as when people pass, we recognize they’re not really gone…only their physical form… Their essence remains…

Over the course of this blog — if you go back and read through the posts, or chapters, or whatever we call them… you will see that in my grief, I took the advice of my closest friends, and chose to travel, be open to new friendships, to let a dream die, to let a person go… in spite of or better, because of how I was feeling inside.  I chose the pathway of feeling my feelings, and of anahata.

“WILLIAM, to make hard tasks easy, mountains molehills, and challenges simple, you can opt for one of two paths. You can be still, wait for guidance, and expect spontaneous enlightenment.

Or you can just roll up your sleeves and get busy doing what you can, with what you’ve got, from where you are. 

May I suggest the latter? It’s usually much faster. And it makes you a bloomin’ lightening rod for divine guidance and spontaneous enlightenment. 

Hi-ho,
The Universe”

That process, that journey has landed me into the midst of a new awareness and a new set of desires.  An awareness that just maybe I had spent the bulk of my adult life doing something and being someone… because that was what my life had become.  In essence I had simply created a large-1series of ‘jobs’ for myself… What was once so clearly a ‘soul’s purpose’ became, gradually a ‘dogma’… Strange that I learned this through the loss of a relationship or two, and the process of sublimation — the addition of new information, of clarity, of following my heart again… of trusting myself… of discovering new friends I trust…

“You do realize, WILLIAM, that your friends are just me in disguise?

Pulling out all the stops to reach you, love you, and see you. 

Tallyho,
The Universe”

I am changing directions.

“A Manifestation Tip from your friend, the Universe:

WILLIAM, feeling gratitude in advance, before you even receive, as if you already had, whether for direction or abundance or anything else, opens the floodgates. 

Pressing, gushing, filling –

The Universe”

largeAnd I CAN get there from here.

“It is of great value for you to give your conscious attention to what you specifically want, otherwise you can be swept up by the influence of that which surrounds you. You are bombarded by the stimulation of thought. And so, unless you are setting forth the thought that is important to you, you can be stimulated by another’s thought that may or may not be important to you.

—Abraham”

It’s been particularly helpful to follow Mike Dooley, Abraham-Hicks, Rachel Brathen (who has been openly going through a grieving process)… It’s been particularly healing to have friends who have my best interests at heart, and it’s been incredibly helpful to find a pathway to clarity on a yoga mat… and in the warm sunshine… in a gentle breeze…

You can expect me to share more now about the direction I seek… The path I am now on.

Bill

We truly are all about Synergy.

 

The ‘A-Ha!’ moment!!

I was reading a friend’s blog this morning (http://eacleary.wordpress.com/2013/08/22/why-all-this-2/) and I realized that I needed to give you in my blog what I am giving myself in my life…

That is — to share my experiences — and to see where that leads. Not to dwell upon a sad situation, per se, even if it was a profound, difficult and sticky place for me… but instead to share with you what I have been given, and how I have used it…

And so, with that, I will tell you that over the coming weeks and months you’ll be reading (hopefully) a bit more of the story of me following my passions and moving toward significantly more clarity and trust in my own intuition. It’s my continued hope to integrate what I desire most and who I really am into my life…

Stay tuned!

And thank you Beth!

bk

Lost… and found… and lost…

The resurgent lotus flower. Symbolic, beautiful, powerful...
The resurgent lotus flower. Symbolic, beautiful, powerful…

Those of you who follow my infrequently updated blog know that 2012 was the most radical, most change-filled, most tempestuous period I can recall…  It was a year filled with experiences and events one might judge as ‘really good’ or ‘really bad’… however I am at a point where I just say… things happened… and I, for lack of a better way of stating it ‘have and had “feelings”…

That’s really the point of this blog post. (With the second point being that writing this and publicly sharing it is HUGELY frightening…what if I mis-speak, what if my ideas change, will I be judged…and on and on)  That is really what prevents me from writing here more often.

During the year I have become increasing aware, as a single male living alone and on my own for the FIRST time as an adult that this is a really important life lesson.  To simply be.  To feel the feelings, whether pleasant or unpleasant (knowing even that is a judgement) and to learn the lesson from it rather than try to ‘work on it’, ‘fix myself’ (I am not broken), self improve, or immerse myself in a new distraction (there are so many… Shall I list a few of them?  Busyness, Over-exercising, Over-sleeping, obsessing, covering it with food, covering it with spending, covering it with new people… rather than just quietly living through it, while breathing into it, listening for the lessons, and letting go.

There was a period I lived alone with 2 young sons during and after a divorce, but that’s FAR FAR DIFFERENT… during that period of time I was either alone and working, and thinking about my kids, missing them, or actually with my kids and immersed in all that that entails – their activities, their personalities, their meal schedule, their bedtime routines, their school work, their need for friendship and their need for recreation… So, I was never truly alone… I was a parent, living alone, part time.  That also meant I was never fully available emotionally or physically for the next person that would become my wife.  I know that now.  I didn’t know that then, and I went ahead and coupled up, fell in love big time and got re-married.  And you know what?  We did a really good job through the trials of a blended family over time of creating space for us and for keeping the ex’s craziness / safety and security both at a distance, but also as a spiritual issue.  A lot of energy went toward both detaching from the ex, and not being drawn into the ex drama, and also blessing them many times over for all the life they truly need and desire… not the easiest thing to do when you’re feeling pissed off at how they are trying to control your life, how they are making demands, how their criticism of your new life and choices are so WRONG, and how they are interfering both with your inner peace and your new life.  The truth is all we all wanted was to blend, feel safe, and enjoy the love and mutual support that we can find in family life.

Life on life's termsSo after my split up January 2012, I moved in with a friend.  I lived there with he and another guy until June.  Then I move into a tiny cottage to be on my own.  It was much closer to where I had lived, my youngest son (16) and my friends, my support, my familiar places.  During these past 14 months I have spent I would estimate 90% of my time alone.  I have spent time with my son when he wants.  I have worked full time.  I have stayed engaged with my friends.  I have remained physically fit.  I have added yoga and meditation to my life.  I see my doctor (who practices functional medicine) and regularly have massage done.  I have dedicated myself to taking good care of me.

I will not deny that loneliness creeps in.  So I also have dated.  I have met a number of amazing and interesting women this year.  Sometimes we clicked and had chemistry and enjoyed each other’s company for a while, but always just moved along… other times there was strain, and obviously it was not a good pairing.  There are ‘feelings’ with both.  There’s a ‘new muscle’ that gets ‘flexed’ every time.  There’s always the letting go.  Sometimes it’s quick… sometimes it’s not.

I am aware that the speed with which I detach and let go is completely tied to my level of attachment.  This can not be faked.  We know that ‘attachment’ is the cause of all human suffering.  We also know that ‘expectations are “pre-meditated resentments”.  Does knowing this make the process any easier?  Maybe, maybe not.  The point really in stating this is that I had, in October, a rather sudden realization that I am at a deep emotional / spiritual level a monogamist.  I am a person who prefers to be in a stable relationship.  I know at a deep level that all I bring to a relationship is me… Sometimes I feel great about that…

True For MEI dated enough to satisfy a part of myself I had known briefly in college – of a person with a very active life in that area. I had to do that to re-learn that.  I clearly recall stating ‘I am ready for a special person…someone who elevates me, and who I in turn can elevate.  A person for whom we are both better for the pairing…for the greets good, and to bring love light and healing wherever we go’.   This came as a surprise to me for the simple reason that it represented a huge shift in where I thought my life was heading.  Where I believed I was heading was just for singleness:  Busy career, busy spiritual life, active, fit, healthy outdoor living with occasional visitors.  Among the things life has taught me is that I DO have intuition, and that I have often ignored it enough to learn that is not a good idea.

As is often the case in my life, synchrodestiny occurs after an awareness. (I suggest you quickly ready that post)…Almost immediately I am contacted by a truly wonderful woman.  As we got to talking, there was so much… She encouraged me to trust her genuine intentions and just show up with an open heart.  To my surprise I did.  She encouraged me to fall, and I did.  Those around us saw something special.  A special light, a special energy… And I felt it too.  My intuition was very strong about this relationship and about a certain outcome…  and I became attached to that outcome.  At the same time, she began to express doubt, regret, and presented with a fearful heart.

And yes, of course, she ended it.

I am left in a grieving process.  I am left with letting go. I am left with respecting her desire to carry this no further.  I let her know I welcome her future contact, whether or not it means anything… I am not one who seeks to kill any relationship unless it’s truly toxic.  I believe underneath it all that things are not random, and that love weaves it’s way through life…

I truly wish for her clarity, strength, and to find herself so that she can be the best she can, for herself and her children.  That’s all I ever wanted.  I just wanted to share the journey.  There are many personal details I am leaving out, mostly they have to do with issues of early divorce and just being not ready, or of moving way too fast, of how fear can displace trust, and how a person’s inner truth will change ‘just like that’…  And I also respect that, along with a simple fact that I voiced that concern early on.

Respect yourself, Bill!

I have a few regrets… in retrospect…but hindsight is always so crystal clear… Mostly I am honoring my sadness, grieving my sense of loss, and calling all angels…

…and that’s the beautiful part.  As I “de-Leo” my place, my life, my being I am aware that that which is true will be, and that which is false will away.   I am aware that feelings are just feelings.  And that every time new growth brings lessons.  Even more beautiful is the way the people who truly love me have shown up.  Some who offer comfort.  Some who offer support.  Some who identify… Others encourage me to stay on the path and not close up that heart of mine… and still others who actually are going though the same thing at the same time and needing my empathy and experience.  That’s a little more synchrodestiny right there.  I am thankful for the kindnesses and the connections…

Am I happy today?  No.  That’s not the feeling.  It’s more a feeling of loss, a sense of reeling, or of being adrift… of having been lost… then found… then lost again.  And that’s really truthful.

My Life... And to live with an open heart, with all the risks, knowing I am capable of surviving...
My Life… And to live with an open heart, with all the risks, knowing I am capable of surviving…

I am in touch with my life’s purpose… and wondering sincerely while waiting…’what is next’… and ‘when’…

Thank You For Reading.

~bk