Sublimation & Conversion, Part 1.

Love does not just disappear.

When we hit a transition, we experience grief.  There’s no shorting that process.  It takes what it takes to get through that.  It’s messy, it’s cold, it’s sad.  There are times of sadness, despair, doubt, anger, depression…and light at the end of a bizarre tunnel.

There’s that moment where we just know ‘Oh, yeah, that sounds true…’ and we really ‘hear’, ready now to sublimate, transform, convert… We experienced love, we experienced loss, and we didn’t know what to do with all that ‘energy’ that was left over from the broken dream…

Such was the case for me, this past February.  I was getting a lot of loving kindness and support from friends during a time of change… and one said,”Bill you gotta let some light in, some love in…”  There’s that moment where we can actually SEE and know we have a choice… to stay in the story or to move through it.  It doesn’t change the feeling, it is just an action.

I had already launched into a period of taking courses and reading everything I could find on the subject of ‘Twin Flame’ relationships, break-ups… these lead me to the subject of Self-Love… but it took rain… lots of cold, rainy, gray, dreary, days to nudge me off the edge.  When Frederick said those words, I was reading some Byron Katie, and had the crystal clear awareness that my passion could be directed toward myself…  And with that I… discovered I would just do the things I loved doing with a partner, by myself,  enjoy at depth… read on!


On a weekend where I had already booked a flight to, and then cancelled to – Michigan — (Yes I know I am a dedicated guy who travels to Michigan in the winter when he’s in love… call me crazy) … I decided to book a trip to California.  I needed the sun.  I needed the warm air.  I needed to see the mountains tumble into the sea and I needed to spend some time with friends, old and new, and get out and enjoy some healthy outdoor activities without freezing and soaking — Atlanta was having a particularly wet, cold and gray spell…

So Off to LAX it was.  I was going to meet my friend Michael who I hadn’t seen since 2009.  We are going to have lunch.  This would give me a chance to kill a night at The Standard, go for a run along the beach then catch up over lunch.  And I did just that!  In the a.m. I headed down to the Santa Monica Pier and managed a 6 mile run.  It was a clear sunny dry and cool morning — absolutely perfection.  Michael and I met, had lunch and talked for a few hours — catching up on life, on our lives, and laughing so hard our faces hurt.

From there I made the short drive that took HOURS (LESSON LEARNED — always take the PCH… it is deliberate, and beautiful, and fun…whereas the highway is jam packed with cars bumper to bumper frantically trying to get where they need to get but only getting stop and go)to Dana Point, where I was meeting up with a new friend, Darlene… We were going to go running and have dinner.  It was her plan to show me some of the beauty of Laguna Beach and Dana Point, and I was in the mood to experience something new.  I got there and we checked out the beach at Dana Point, watched the sunset  and then went to dinner.  She is the ultimate ambassador for the area… knows the best trails, vistas, and places to eat.  She’s smart and fit and fun… a really great companion, friend and guide.IMG_5144IMG_5189IMG_5183IMG_5177

The next morning I was up early, being on East Coast time.  I went out and ran along the harbor, IMG_5165and then attended a truly invigorating class at Pacific AshtangaIMG_6160.  To make matters BETTER it was another gorgeous, amazing day on the California coast.  AND there’s an attached juice bar called Organic Tree…IMG_6165 Quite the contrast, if you ask me!  To use a cancelled trip from a broken dream and convert it really on a leap of faith into a truly beautiful adventure… this is to me how important it is to be transparent to my closest friends (my ‘tribe’) and to take their good advice in a way that has meaning to me… to follow my own Dharma…

This trip made me aware of a few things.  First was that I am actually lucky to be able to meet and make friends with people I can and do trust.  And it’s okay for me to love myself and take care of myself and do the things that I like to do.  Not only that, but it’s okay to do all this while still feeling sad and broken hearted over the loss of a love I had totally believed in.  Healing doesn’t have to mean literally sitting in a cold dark place until just goes away…IMG_5151

So back to Atlanta I went.  Feeling sun drenched and recharged, and semi-enthusiastic about working…

I still was nowhere close to feeling like I had processed the broken relationship, however I felt lighter and faithful — as if it was really okay to be both grieving AND taking care of myself.

I felt quite a bit more in touch with my own ability to love another without condition, and to love myself as if I actually mattered to me.   My first instinct when re-reading this is ‘Well, of course you matter to you…” but I mean on a tangible, taking action, and following through not just lip service or reading from a self-help book way…


 In Part 2 I will tell you about another really amazing journey! Stay tuned…


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