Lost… and found… and lost…

The resurgent lotus flower. Symbolic, beautiful, powerful...
The resurgent lotus flower. Symbolic, beautiful, powerful…

Those of you who follow my infrequently updated blog know that 2012 was the most radical, most change-filled, most tempestuous period I can recall…  It was a year filled with experiences and events one might judge as ‘really good’ or ‘really bad’… however I am at a point where I just say… things happened… and I, for lack of a better way of stating it ‘have and had “feelings”…

That’s really the point of this blog post. (With the second point being that writing this and publicly sharing it is HUGELY frightening…what if I mis-speak, what if my ideas change, will I be judged…and on and on)  That is really what prevents me from writing here more often.

During the year I have become increasing aware, as a single male living alone and on my own for the FIRST time as an adult that this is a really important life lesson.  To simply be.  To feel the feelings, whether pleasant or unpleasant (knowing even that is a judgement) and to learn the lesson from it rather than try to ‘work on it’, ‘fix myself’ (I am not broken), self improve, or immerse myself in a new distraction (there are so many… Shall I list a few of them?  Busyness, Over-exercising, Over-sleeping, obsessing, covering it with food, covering it with spending, covering it with new people… rather than just quietly living through it, while breathing into it, listening for the lessons, and letting go.

There was a period I lived alone with 2 young sons during and after a divorce, but that’s FAR FAR DIFFERENT… during that period of time I was either alone and working, and thinking about my kids, missing them, or actually with my kids and immersed in all that that entails – their activities, their personalities, their meal schedule, their bedtime routines, their school work, their need for friendship and their need for recreation… So, I was never truly alone… I was a parent, living alone, part time.  That also meant I was never fully available emotionally or physically for the next person that would become my wife.  I know that now.  I didn’t know that then, and I went ahead and coupled up, fell in love big time and got re-married.  And you know what?  We did a really good job through the trials of a blended family over time of creating space for us and for keeping the ex’s craziness / safety and security both at a distance, but also as a spiritual issue.  A lot of energy went toward both detaching from the ex, and not being drawn into the ex drama, and also blessing them many times over for all the life they truly need and desire… not the easiest thing to do when you’re feeling pissed off at how they are trying to control your life, how they are making demands, how their criticism of your new life and choices are so WRONG, and how they are interfering both with your inner peace and your new life.  The truth is all we all wanted was to blend, feel safe, and enjoy the love and mutual support that we can find in family life.

Life on life's termsSo after my split up January 2012, I moved in with a friend.  I lived there with he and another guy until June.  Then I move into a tiny cottage to be on my own.  It was much closer to where I had lived, my youngest son (16) and my friends, my support, my familiar places.  During these past 14 months I have spent I would estimate 90% of my time alone.  I have spent time with my son when he wants.  I have worked full time.  I have stayed engaged with my friends.  I have remained physically fit.  I have added yoga and meditation to my life.  I see my doctor (who practices functional medicine) and regularly have massage done.  I have dedicated myself to taking good care of me.

I will not deny that loneliness creeps in.  So I also have dated.  I have met a number of amazing and interesting women this year.  Sometimes we clicked and had chemistry and enjoyed each other’s company for a while, but always just moved along… other times there was strain, and obviously it was not a good pairing.  There are ‘feelings’ with both.  There’s a ‘new muscle’ that gets ‘flexed’ every time.  There’s always the letting go.  Sometimes it’s quick… sometimes it’s not.

I am aware that the speed with which I detach and let go is completely tied to my level of attachment.  This can not be faked.  We know that ‘attachment’ is the cause of all human suffering.  We also know that ‘expectations are “pre-meditated resentments”.  Does knowing this make the process any easier?  Maybe, maybe not.  The point really in stating this is that I had, in October, a rather sudden realization that I am at a deep emotional / spiritual level a monogamist.  I am a person who prefers to be in a stable relationship.  I know at a deep level that all I bring to a relationship is me… Sometimes I feel great about that…

True For MEI dated enough to satisfy a part of myself I had known briefly in college – of a person with a very active life in that area. I had to do that to re-learn that.  I clearly recall stating ‘I am ready for a special person…someone who elevates me, and who I in turn can elevate.  A person for whom we are both better for the pairing…for the greets good, and to bring love light and healing wherever we go’.   This came as a surprise to me for the simple reason that it represented a huge shift in where I thought my life was heading.  Where I believed I was heading was just for singleness:  Busy career, busy spiritual life, active, fit, healthy outdoor living with occasional visitors.  Among the things life has taught me is that I DO have intuition, and that I have often ignored it enough to learn that is not a good idea.

As is often the case in my life, synchrodestiny occurs after an awareness. (I suggest you quickly ready that post)…Almost immediately I am contacted by a truly wonderful woman.  As we got to talking, there was so much… She encouraged me to trust her genuine intentions and just show up with an open heart.  To my surprise I did.  She encouraged me to fall, and I did.  Those around us saw something special.  A special light, a special energy… And I felt it too.  My intuition was very strong about this relationship and about a certain outcome…  and I became attached to that outcome.  At the same time, she began to express doubt, regret, and presented with a fearful heart.

And yes, of course, she ended it.

I am left in a grieving process.  I am left with letting go. I am left with respecting her desire to carry this no further.  I let her know I welcome her future contact, whether or not it means anything… I am not one who seeks to kill any relationship unless it’s truly toxic.  I believe underneath it all that things are not random, and that love weaves it’s way through life…

I truly wish for her clarity, strength, and to find herself so that she can be the best she can, for herself and her children.  That’s all I ever wanted.  I just wanted to share the journey.  There are many personal details I am leaving out, mostly they have to do with issues of early divorce and just being not ready, or of moving way too fast, of how fear can displace trust, and how a person’s inner truth will change ‘just like that’…  And I also respect that, along with a simple fact that I voiced that concern early on.

Respect yourself, Bill!

I have a few regrets… in retrospect…but hindsight is always so crystal clear… Mostly I am honoring my sadness, grieving my sense of loss, and calling all angels…

…and that’s the beautiful part.  As I “de-Leo” my place, my life, my being I am aware that that which is true will be, and that which is false will away.   I am aware that feelings are just feelings.  And that every time new growth brings lessons.  Even more beautiful is the way the people who truly love me have shown up.  Some who offer comfort.  Some who offer support.  Some who identify… Others encourage me to stay on the path and not close up that heart of mine… and still others who actually are going though the same thing at the same time and needing my empathy and experience.  That’s a little more synchrodestiny right there.  I am thankful for the kindnesses and the connections…

Am I happy today?  No.  That’s not the feeling.  It’s more a feeling of loss, a sense of reeling, or of being adrift… of having been lost… then found… then lost again.  And that’s really truthful.

My Life... And to live with an open heart, with all the risks, knowing I am capable of surviving...
My Life… And to live with an open heart, with all the risks, knowing I am capable of surviving…

I am in touch with my life’s purpose… and wondering sincerely while waiting…’what is next’… and ‘when’…

Thank You For Reading.



2 thoughts on “Lost… and found… and lost…

  1. Pete January 30, 2013 / 11:11 am

    Love you Bill. You Are ok. Breathe


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