Perhaps the most difficult blog post I have ever attempted… this one.
In fact I am just going to let this flow, and I make no promise that what I initially intended to write will actually be what gets written.
I am confronted by a clear dichotomy of my own personal beliefs: To write and express myself freely, and publicly, both for my own need to express, and in the hope my experiences might help another… versus… my own personal sense of privacy, dignity and respect for myself and those around me… Those are the issues which have kept these thoughts in my heart and in my mind for months… bouncing back and forth like a ping pong ball… until today.
I consider myself an optimist. I believe in the pure form of Love – ‘to look for good’, and I have a deep personal faith in knowing that fear is evil, and that ultimately I always see the good in each experience I have, especially those which shake me to my core (but only in retrospect – that’s my process)
First, let me say that in my difficult time – these things have been my Joy:
1. My friends, both near and far, who call, text, and show me support.
2. The fellowship of men who share with me their experience, strength and hope with me, and vice versa. They help bring light to the dark, and reduce my burden.
3. The kindness of some family members, most unexpectedly
4. My fitness: Running, Nutrition… Daily Mile, Twitter… Which brings me a sense of well being and always brings me back to the moment. 5. Work… when I am busy
6. A sunny day… Amazing how much this effects me in a good way. And it’s been a really mild, nice winter in the Atlanta area…
So, what’s the issue? Divorce.
It’s a decision that took me a looong time to make. And I am now beginning life alone, living with the beginning of the consequences of that decision. I have a journey ahead that’s not one I intended… but one I know, not just think I know, will be better, healthier, and happier (for us both), in the long run.
There’s a period of tearing down beginning a month ago. That will continue. Then there will be a long period of reconstruction ahead. I know this. At times I am stung by how easy it would have been to just not take action, and just exactly how scary this is… On the other hand, and increasingly, I am surprised at a growing confidence in seeing this was and is the next right thing – and trusting that in time the truth of that will be more obvious to all.
I think I will stop there for now. I managed to at least blurt it out.